In a Funk

I'm in a f-u-n-k. I need a vacation - big time. I don't know if it's work or home or a combination of both, but lately I've been feeling pretty pathetic. Now, remember, this blog is for me. So, when I post this list - a list of why I'm feeling pathetic at this particular moment - don't freak out and call my husband or parents. I'm fine - just in a funk.

1. I feel like a crummy wife.
2. I'm crabby a lot of the time.
3. I let little things bother me.
4. I have an amazing husband who takes such good care of me and sometimes I treat him poorly.
5. I feel like some of my friends put zero effort into our friendships.
6. I feel selfish that I want to make a lot of money.
7. I want kids but am terrified that I will be a crazy parent.
8. I worry about saving money but don't want to make the sacrifices required to really save.
9. I feel like crap when people call me bossy (which I am) and I don't know how to change that.
10. I'm scared about my depression and how that will affect me if/when I get pregnant.
11. I am tired - physically and mentally.
12. Sometimes I don't know why my husband stays with me.
13. I suck at life because I gossip too much.
14. It scares me to think that we might live in CS all our lives.
15. It hurts me to know that my husband isn't always compensated/acknowledged for what he does at work.
16. I hate that I can't leave work at work.
17. I'm pissed that my husband didn't like his birthday present when I thought that he would really appreciate it.
18. I feel like I have to put forth extra effort to smile and I feel fake when I do it.
19. I feel like I can't talk about my depression with my husband because he feels that it is a reflection of my feelings for him.
20. I just want to feel happy.

Now remember, this is a list for me. It just feels better to write it down.

It's all just trial and error...

I'm at a Head and Neck Cancer convention this weekend in Houston and I've quickly come to the realization that a whole lot of what we (SLPs) do is trial and error, especially in the head and neck cancer population. Granted, I am learning a lot, but I am also learning that I've been doing a really good job at teaching myself how to treat these patients (not to toot my own horn, mind you).

I think that, even more important than the material you are taught, if you are taught how to find information you can figure out how to treat almost any patient population. Now, what I'm saying isn't rocket science or a brand new theory, but I think that people should know that it can be done with the information you already have.

Ok, I know this doesn't have much content, but for all my SLP readers (yes, I know I only have a few), I think you should know that you've got what it takes to help your patients even if you think you don't.

I just can't seem to find the words...

I just can't seem to find the words these days to Blog about my work experiences. Whenever I see my patients I'm always thinking "I need to blog about this." but then never do. I need to start back up; it's good for me, it's good for my mind, and I really do enjoy it. So, enough with the pep talk and on to business.

I have been seeing a certain patient for quite a long time now. He has been hospitalized since January and currently resides in our LTAC. This man celebrated his 84th birthday in a hospital bed, which he will probably never leave. I think the one thing that makes treating this man so hard is that his mind is still so sharp. He is up to date on current events and has the quickest, funniest, wit.

I have been treating this man's dysphagia since he entered the hospital for a ruptured appendix (I know, weird combination - appendicitis and dysphagia). But, he has not gotten even the slightest bit better. I have been using VitalStim therapy on him and just recently forced myself to stop. He is still on a feeding tube and cannot take even the smallest bit of PO intake without sounding like a gurgle fish tank. IT JUST MAKES ME SO MAD! I love this little man and I cannot help him.

The other day, I had to have "the talk" with him. It's the talk that I am so good at giving but is truly terrible to give. It's the "your swallowing will never get better so you can now choose to eat and die or never eat again and live" talk. HATE IT! Anyway, my little man made it so hard to give that talk; his mind so clear and his wit so fast. And do you know what he said to me when I finished that talk? "So, should I call you the Obama death squad?!?"

Now that I cannot keep treating this man, I can barely stand to walk past his room. I know that if I enter just to say "hi" he'll ask when we're starting therapy again. I know I should go in, but it is just so hard. What do you do when you know you can't help someone?