In a Funk

I'm in a f-u-n-k. I need a vacation - big time. I don't know if it's work or home or a combination of both, but lately I've been feeling pretty pathetic. Now, remember, this blog is for me. So, when I post this list - a list of why I'm feeling pathetic at this particular moment - don't freak out and call my husband or parents. I'm fine - just in a funk.

1. I feel like a crummy wife.
2. I'm crabby a lot of the time.
3. I let little things bother me.
4. I have an amazing husband who takes such good care of me and sometimes I treat him poorly.
5. I feel like some of my friends put zero effort into our friendships.
6. I feel selfish that I want to make a lot of money.
7. I want kids but am terrified that I will be a crazy parent.
8. I worry about saving money but don't want to make the sacrifices required to really save.
9. I feel like crap when people call me bossy (which I am) and I don't know how to change that.
10. I'm scared about my depression and how that will affect me if/when I get pregnant.
11. I am tired - physically and mentally.
12. Sometimes I don't know why my husband stays with me.
13. I suck at life because I gossip too much.
14. It scares me to think that we might live in CS all our lives.
15. It hurts me to know that my husband isn't always compensated/acknowledged for what he does at work.
16. I hate that I can't leave work at work.
17. I'm pissed that my husband didn't like his birthday present when I thought that he would really appreciate it.
18. I feel like I have to put forth extra effort to smile and I feel fake when I do it.
19. I feel like I can't talk about my depression with my husband because he feels that it is a reflection of my feelings for him.
20. I just want to feel happy.

Now remember, this is a list for me. It just feels better to write it down.

It's all just trial and error...

I'm at a Head and Neck Cancer convention this weekend in Houston and I've quickly come to the realization that a whole lot of what we (SLPs) do is trial and error, especially in the head and neck cancer population. Granted, I am learning a lot, but I am also learning that I've been doing a really good job at teaching myself how to treat these patients (not to toot my own horn, mind you).

I think that, even more important than the material you are taught, if you are taught how to find information you can figure out how to treat almost any patient population. Now, what I'm saying isn't rocket science or a brand new theory, but I think that people should know that it can be done with the information you already have.

Ok, I know this doesn't have much content, but for all my SLP readers (yes, I know I only have a few), I think you should know that you've got what it takes to help your patients even if you think you don't.

I just can't seem to find the words...

I just can't seem to find the words these days to Blog about my work experiences. Whenever I see my patients I'm always thinking "I need to blog about this." but then never do. I need to start back up; it's good for me, it's good for my mind, and I really do enjoy it. So, enough with the pep talk and on to business.

I have been seeing a certain patient for quite a long time now. He has been hospitalized since January and currently resides in our LTAC. This man celebrated his 84th birthday in a hospital bed, which he will probably never leave. I think the one thing that makes treating this man so hard is that his mind is still so sharp. He is up to date on current events and has the quickest, funniest, wit.

I have been treating this man's dysphagia since he entered the hospital for a ruptured appendix (I know, weird combination - appendicitis and dysphagia). But, he has not gotten even the slightest bit better. I have been using VitalStim therapy on him and just recently forced myself to stop. He is still on a feeding tube and cannot take even the smallest bit of PO intake without sounding like a gurgle fish tank. IT JUST MAKES ME SO MAD! I love this little man and I cannot help him.

The other day, I had to have "the talk" with him. It's the talk that I am so good at giving but is truly terrible to give. It's the "your swallowing will never get better so you can now choose to eat and die or never eat again and live" talk. HATE IT! Anyway, my little man made it so hard to give that talk; his mind so clear and his wit so fast. And do you know what he said to me when I finished that talk? "So, should I call you the Obama death squad?!?"

Now that I cannot keep treating this man, I can barely stand to walk past his room. I know that if I enter just to say "hi" he'll ask when we're starting therapy again. I know I should go in, but it is just so hard. What do you do when you know you can't help someone?

Lots of new updates...sorry I'm a crummy blogger

So, I've been really bad about blogging, as I'm sure you can tell. I started reading all of my blogs on google reader and have become so engrossed with them that I've neglected my own blog. Sorry blog.....

So, updates. We're buying a house! It is a new home that is currently being built. We've gotten to pick out the tile, carpet, granite, and fixtures. I'm really excited about it! We close April 15th. And, to top it off, our landlord is being nice and letting us out of our lease early! I'll have to post pictures soon. This does mean, however, that we've made the big decision to stay in College Station for at least the next three years (we want that tax credit!). We just had to come to grips with the fact that right now, this (our job situations) is the best thing out there. So, we bit the bullet and are putting down roots.

Other not so big updates....Mona is really growing on us. She is such a funny dog. I'll have to get Jon to post some videos of her. Some of her not so cute habits include sucking at potty training, **screaming** when she doesn't get her way, and gnawing on your toes with her razor sharp teeth. Hopefully it's just a puppy phase and she'll grow out of it.

Work has been going well. I have a few patients I need to blog about, but again cannot find the motivation. Stay tuned to see how that works out.

MONA!!!

Well, we thought we would wait until April to get a new dog, but once we got back from our trip and came home to an empty house, we just couldn't stand it. We contacted our breeder, who graciously offered to provide us with another puppy for free, and picked out a puppy that we will bring home this weekend!

Her name is Mona and we are so excited she'll be joining our family! No dog will ever replace Toby, but we are so thankful to be receiving Mona, who I know will lift our spirits!

Quick & Healthy Chicken Enchiladas

My husband rarely gets excited about something I cook, so I was shocked when we both loved this recipe for quick and healthy chicken enchiladas. Enjoy!
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Chicken Enchiladas

This recipe can be layered to save time or you can fill each tortilla and roll in the traditional way. Turkey, pork, or beef can be substituted for the chicken, Top each serving with extra Mozzarella cheese.

2 cups cooked and cubed/shredded chicken

1 cup chopped onion

1 cup low fat Ricotta cheese

1 cup nonfat plain yogurt

2 oz. grated, low fat cheddar cheese

2 oz. grated, part skim mozzarella cheese

12 corn tortillas

2 cans (10 oz. each) enchilada sauce

Preheat over to 375 degrees. Mix first six ingredients and set aside.

Spray a 9-inch by 13-inch baking dish with non-stick cooking spray. Pour ½ can of enchilada sauce in bottom of pan. Follow either method below for layered or rolled. Bake for 20-30 minutes or until heated thoroughly.

Rolled Method: Place about 1/3 to ½ cup of filling on each tortilla and roll to enclose (cracks in tortillas are not as noticeable after cooking). Place seams side down in baking dish. Top with remaining sauce.

Layered Method: Follow this order: 1/3 of the tortillas, ½ of the filling, 1/3 tortillas, 1 can of sauce, remainder of filling, remainder of tortillas, remainder of sauce.

Yield: 8 servings

One serving: 1/8 of recipe

Calories per serving: 275

Fat: 7 grams

Disappointment

Working in healthcare, I am always faced with disappointment. My patient's test did not go well; my patient is not working hard enough at home; my patient is just not strong enough; the healthcare system is broken and my patient pays the price. The list goes on and on.

Sometimes, disappointment is easy to brush off. It is a sad fact, but all too true. This past week, I had several disappointing situations. The most disappointing of all was that my coma patient got rejected by a brain injury rehabilitation facility.

He had a heart transplant, one of the grafts failed, he suffered an anoxic brain injury, they repaired the graft, he didn't wake up, he developed a non-healing sternal wound, he went to an LTAC and got no cognitive therapy, he came to our LTAC and I did the best I could with him, he was evaluated by a brain injury rehabilitation facility, he was denied because of his poor prognosis and length of time since injury (3 months), he will go to a nursing home with no therapy, he will ROT!

This is the broken healthcare system. I know it is broken, but my coma patient makes it all the more real. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am. And the worst part of all of it.....he has a brand new donor heart.

(Sorry for the depressing post...remember, I blog for myself as a personal record. Thanks for reading!)